Dreads

I have discovered that I have two dreads

Being left behind

Living without

In 1988 my grandmother died.  Alone.  She was one of twelve children in her family.  She married my grandfather who was one of nine children.  At the time of her death she had experienced the death of all eleven of her siblings, her husband and all of his eight siblings.  Along with the deaths of an infant daughter and two grandsons and many nieces and nephews, cousins and many other relatives.  She was the last of her generation in her family.  Her adult children and all grandchildren lived many hundreds of miles away from her and did not get to see her very often.  She truly was “left behind.”  I watched this occur over my lifetime but it didn’t truly catch my attention until her death when there were not that many people at her funeral.  At the cemetery we talked about all the relatives that were buried there and all the extended family that had died before grandma did.

Grandma ended up living without her family and many many friends until she died.  She had been left behind.  I considered her to be a strong pioneer type of woman but I never thought of how alone and  lonely she truly was.  She was the only one left of a huge extended family.  She died at age 88  alone in her home.  

I have thought about the amount of grief and sadness my grandma experienced in her life.  How she was left behind because it was a huge family.  She was the only one left.

Pastor Scott’s 2018 sermon series currently is about “Living without enough.”   Well when I heard the topic my ears shut off at the “living without” part.    I used to think I wanted to live to be 100,  but have changed my mind.  To live that long would mean there would be a lot of people and friends I love who would die before me and I would have to live without them in my life until we are reunited in heaven.  The prospect of living without them fills me with dread.  How do I do that?  Live without them in my life?    I don’t need more wealth or more stuff if I don’t have my loved ones and friends with me to share it with.  I don’t want to travel if I have to go alone.  Who to share the memories with?  Who to talk to along the way?  

I am working to build my treasures of heavenly things.  To me that means people and pets.  I remember visiting with Colton Burpo, from the book Heaven Is For Real, telling his testimony of what he saw in heaven.  All the people he met there and the animals he saw and the lion he played with and Jesus's horse.  I imagine after meeting Jesus I would then be meeting up with family and friends who have gone to heaven before me, and my pets who are there running to greet me upon my arrival.  This mental picture makes me so happy.  I imagine being in heaven awaiting the arrival of another loved one that I can greet at the gates.  

I don’t want to live to be 100.  I don’t want to be left behind.  Living without the ones I love here on earth would be a miserable life.  I am not suicidal but being left behind and living without as I described above would be so awful.   I pray that Jesus will come soon and fix his broken Earth, making it new again.  Rev 21:5